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Each of us has an obligation to make a good faith effort to get along in Random.

  • I mostly agree each of us has that obligation

    Votes: 21 75.0%
  • I somewhat agree each of us has that obligation

    Votes: 4 14.3%
  • I have no position either way

    Votes: 2 7.1%
  • I somewhat disagree each of us has that obligation

    Votes: 1 3.6%
  • I mostly disagree each of us has that obligation

    Votes: 0 0.0%
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I got to thinking from another thread--and this thread is in no way about any particular member, so I would like it to stay that way--keep it a conversation in general.

Here's my point. Everyone has to be (or at least should be) "nice" at family get togethers even though there are members of the family that you may not particularly like or they may not like you. But I think most people understand its your obligation for the sake of all family members to try an get along. And that doesn't mean you "ignore" the family member because that's as obvious as an argument. In other words, you need to make an good faith effort to get along for the sake of the rest of the family. This is also true in a circle of friends where you may not like a mutual friend of some other friend or visa-versa, so you try to get along with that friend for the sake of your friend.

So what about here in the TSG community? How far does each of us have an obligation to get along with other members? :confused: And I am not talking about Civilized Debate as that's designed for debate about politics primarily and there is nowhere in any setting where people can discuss politics and religion in a group and get along--just too explosive a topic.

Now what I am talking about here is making a proactive effort to get along with some of the people that you have a problem wiith--obviously in general we all have a responsiblity to get along with others in general.
 

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ironically, the first thought that comes to my mind is that i no longer go to certain family gatherings, because there are some people at those get-togethers that are not even worth the trouble...i would feel like a hypocrite "making nice"...regardless of etiquette or whatever....
 

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I'm finding myself having to agree with you Mulder. People taking part in the community here should be making an attempt to get along with each other. Not only in self censoring inappropriate comments (or attacks if you prefer stronger language) but also when these comments are made (and they may have been made inadvertently) people should be willing to let it roll off their backs instead of displaying their angst and fanning flames that will only cause what may have been a minor incident to grow uncontrollably. After all we all do this everyday anyway, in the workplace, in our family life and in our circle of friends. We frequently ignore little hurts to keep them from escalating and damaging the community we are a part of. Why should we let the "anonymity" of the internet remove our ability to do this?
 

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DarqueMist said:
I'm finding myself having to agree with you Mulder. People taking part in the community here should be making an attempt to get along with each other. Not only in self censoring inappropriate comments (or attacks if you prefer stronger language) but also when these comments are made (and they may have been made inadvertently) people should be willing to let it roll off their backs instead of displaying their angst and fanning flames that will only cause what may have been a minor incident to grow uncontrollably. After all we all do this everyday anyway, in the workplace, in our family life and in our circle of friends. We frequently ignore little hurts to keep them from escalating and damaging the community we are a part of. Why should we let the "anonymity" of the internet remove our ability to do this?
good post:up:
i was trying to find the words to make a distinction between the family thing for me, and this community....you did it for me :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
iltos said:
ironically, the first thought that comes to my mind is that i no longer go to certain family gatherings, because there are some people at those get-togethers that are not even worth the trouble...i would feel like a hypocrite "making nice"...regardless of etiquette or whatever....
Oooooooooooooh. That's surprising coming from you Iltos--you are the man of compromise. Now, I can see avoiding an occasional gathering, but like funerals and weddings, I feel I have an obligation for my children's sake--they have forged some strong bonds with cousins and other relatives over the years. My daughter just got a birthday card (she is 17) from her 17 year old cousin (a boy) saying how he is the luckiest cousin in the world to have her as a cousin--that was handwritten.

Thing is--I never met some of my cousins/2nd cousinst, ect. until I was an adult because my parents didn't get along with certain family members close to them and so they never attended functions that would involve or might involve those family members. I think that is ashame, personally.
 

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iltos said:
ironically, the first thought that comes to my mind is that i no longer go to certain family gatherings, because there are some people at those get-togethers that are not even worth the trouble...i would feel like a hypocrite "making nice"...regardless of etiquette or whatever....
I guess me and you have very differing views on that iltos. In my family I'm the outsider. I have very different political, and religious views than them and find that when in their company I have to take care not to set them off. And I do just that for despite our differences they are still my family and I want them to be a part of my life. I don't hide my different take on life from them entirely but I do take care that when I'm explaining things to them that I never offend their beliefs. After all they have just as much right to them as I do to my own.
 

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Mulder said:
Oooooooooooooh. That's surprising coming from you Iltos--you are the man of compromise. Now, I can see avoiding an occasional gathering, but like funerals and weddings, I feel I have an obligation for my children's sake--they have forged some strong bonds with cousins and other relatives over the years. My daughter just got a birthday card (she is 17) from her 17 year old cousin (a boy) saying how he is the luckiest cousin in the world to have her as a cousin--that was handwritten.

Thing is--I never met some of my cousins/2nd cousinst, ect. until I was an adult because my parents didn't get along with certain family members close to them and so they never attended functions that would involve or might involve those family members. I think that is ashame, personally.
yeah...i understand your surprise, too....that's why it was so ironic :cool:
but DarqueMist summed up my feelings well about this community.....

about the only thing of relevance in my family thing is that it reminded me of the ignore button :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
DarqueMist said:
I'm finding myself having to agree with you Mulder. People taking part in the community here should be making an attempt to get along with each other. Not only in self censoring inappropriate comments (or attacks if you prefer stronger language) but also when these comments are made (and they may have been made inadvertently) people should be willing to let it roll off their backs instead of displaying their angst and fanning flames that will only cause what may have been a minor incident to grow uncontrollably. After all we all do this everyday anyway, in the workplace, in our family life and in our circle of friends. We frequently ignore little hurts to keep them from escalating and damaging the community we are a part of. Why should we let the "anonymity" of the internet remove our ability to do this?
Yes--good post--and let me be clear here I am not claiming innocence in this regard in any way. I am also not saying that people should "act all nicey nice" in a phony way all the time (hence the "good faith effort" part). Conflict is human nature. In the not so distant past, we were forced to "compete" for everything--food, shelter, a mate, etc. Even though we are now civilized people, that desire to "compete" against other people is subconscious and strong--that is we feel the need to compete on many different psychological levels (and some of us on a physical level)--its why winning brings such satisfaction to people because that was at one time the only thing that mattered to survival.
 

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DarqueMist said:
I guess me and you have very differing views on that iltos. In my family I'm the outsider. I have very different political, and religious views than them and find that when in their company I have to take care not to set them off. And I do just that for despite our differences they are still my family and I want them to be a part of my life. I don't hide my different take on life from them entirely but I do take care that when I'm explaining things to them that I never offend their beliefs. After all they have just as much right to them as I do to my own.
wow...i know this one :)....i am also the outsider in my family, and understand exactly the line you walk...our difference may only be one of age....by your nick, i'm guessin your at least a couple/three decades younger than me.....i just got fed up honestly walking the line, while some members of my family kept trying to push me off it, contantly provoking me....didn't seem right at a family gathering that i should have to defend my existance.:(
 

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Mulder said:
I see you fixed my title Iltos--was that your first one? Did I take away your moderator title thread editing virginity? ;)
LOL...yeppers...i am now for hire :eek: :D
 

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iltos said:
wow...i know this one :)....i am also the outsider in my family, and understand exactly the line you walk...our difference may only be one of age....by your nick, i'm guessin your at least a couple/three(
heres a laugh for you iltos ... I looked in your profile so I know, I'm BARELY 1 decade your junior. But as you just did, even in person people usually take me to be much younger than I am. Not only does my attitude not match my years, neither does my appearance :D (and for that I think I am very lucky)
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
iltos said:
about the only thing of relevance in my family thing is that it reminded me of the ignore button :D
You really can't do that with family, at least the nuclear family. And the real problem actually is not so much with your family members. Typically, for me, the problem comes with spouses of family members because its kind of like "Hey--you aren't a REAL family member so I don't have to treat you nice! :D" But unfortunately, you have to accept them for the sake of your own family members--at least until the divorce! :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
DarqueMist said:
heres a laugh for you iltos ... I looked in your profile so I know, I'm BARELY 1 decade your junior. But as you just did, even in person people usually take me to be much younger than I am. Not only does my attitude not match my years, neither does my appearance :D (and for that I think I am very lucky)
Are you a woman or a man or something else? :D
 

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DarqueMist said:
heres a laugh for you iltos ... I looked in your profile so I know, I'm BARELY 1 decade your junior. But as you just did, even in person people usually take me to be much younger than I am. Not only does my attitude not match my years, neither does my appearance :D (and for that I think I am very lucky)
lol, Darque....then i was about your age when i decided i had had it with some members of my family....gave it my best shot, tho....for a long, long time.....

and a part of it was growing older with these folks, and seeing their outlooks atrophy and their attitudes begin to make things in their environment the reason.....at those gatherings, i was just the easiest target i guess. :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
DarqueMist said:
just a sec .... let me check

yup ... male :rolleyes:
I didn't mean that sarcastically actually, I haven't conversed with you alot and I can't remember anything that clued me in--usually something someone says or a lot of things someone says let's you know which sex the person is, but with some people, they don't give you a clue.
 

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Mulder said:
I got to thinking from another thread--and this thread is in no way about any particular member, so I would like it to stay that way--keep it a conversation in general.

Here's my point. Everyone has to be (or at least should be) "nice" at family get togethers even though there are members of the family that you may not particularly like or they may not like you. But I think most people understand its your obligation for the sake of all family members to try an get along. And that doesn't mean you "ignore" the family member because that's as obvious as an argument. In other words, you need to make an good faith effort to get along for the sake of the rest of the family. This is also true in a circle of friends where you may not like a mutual friend of some other friend or visa-versa, so you try to get along with that friend for the sake of your friend.

So what about here in the TSG community? How far does each of us have an obligation to get along with other members? :confused: And I am not talking about Civilized Debate as that's designed for debate about politics primarily and there is nowhere in any setting where people can discuss politics and religion in a group and get along--just too explosive a topic.

Now what I am talking about here is making a proactive effort to get along with some of the people that you have a problem wiith--obviously in general we all have a responsiblity to get along with others in general.
A great discussion topic, Mulder. I voted for the first option and agree completely with your 2nd and 4th paragraphs. Well said, imo. The only thing I would add is that we can never know what is going on in the private lives of others and I feel that we should show extra tolerance to those that we dont "mesh with" for some reason. I feel caught in the middle between certain rivals at times and have felt pressured to choose a side...I think a lot of people feel this way so when we dont get along with someone, a whole bunch of other people end up getting drawn into the issue and that makes for an uncomfortable atmosphere.
 

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Mulder said:
You really can't do that with family, at least the nuclear family. And the real problem actually is not so much with your family members. Typically, for me, the problem comes with spouses of family members because its kind of like "Hey--you aren't a REAL family member so I don't have to treat you nice! :D" But unfortunately, you have to accept them for the sake of your own family members--at least until the divorce! :D
yep, you are right....when i re-read your second post, and the part about the obligations to your kids, etc, i realized that i've just adjusted the line.....i still avoid those gatherings where i will be a target....but i also make concessions based on other, more important criteria....and my daughter, of course, is the big one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
valley said:
A great discussion topic, Mulder. I voted for the first option and agree completely with your 2nd and 4th paragraphs. Well said, imo. The only thing I would add is that we can never know what is going on in the private lives of others and I feel that we should show extra tolerance to those that we dont "mesh with" for some reason. I feel caught in the middle between certain rivals at times and have felt pressured to choose a side...I think a lot of people feel this way so when we dont get along with someone, a whole bunch of other people end up getting drawn into the issue and that makes for an uncomfortable atmosphere.
Yes--and I have sympathy for you valley and don't take this the wrong way because its not intended this way, but I know how difficult it is for a person with as strong convictions as you have to get along with family members, ESPECIALLY when a lot of them are Catholic--must be very challenging I am sure--you'd get eaten up alive at one of our family get togethers! :D
 
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