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· Registered
3,494 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A friend sent me this recently and I thought today might be a good day to post this just to lighten things up here........... any and all suggestions for this problem not covered in the reply may help this guy out, I know you're are all "creative". I think that's the word I want......


To: Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!


This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child Support”.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Tech Support

· Registered
919 Posts
In the event of a need to return to the Girlfriend 7.0 o.s. I can recommend this fix that worked for me.
Consider installing MISTRESS 1.0 (Mistress 2.0, Mistress 3.0 and a other derivatives are available in some areas but are not recommended as unforseen conflicts can arise).
A number of years ago I upgraded my own copy of Mistress 1.0 to full Wife 2.0 specification and have had no error messages to date.
It is most important that all new systems are fully checked with the latest Anti Virus definitions available to ensure a stable operating environment.

No warranties given or implied.

· Registered
11,958 Posts
How did you manage the Mistress 1.0 download without an OE (overhead expense error). These OE errors can cause popups such as low system resources initiated from RollingPin 1.5 or FryPan 3.0. Those aforementioned programs tend to cause Black screens and hard restarts which force you into through scandisks.
Seems to me the current OS upgrade should be well thought out before a decision is made to change OS's.

· Registered
12,503 Posts
The problem with Wife 1.0 is that it suffers from a memory leak. The original programmer is aware of the problem but HE refuses to do anything about it. Fortunately there is a utility available called Smackdown 1.2 when applied can solve, temporarily, the memory leak problem. Should Wife 1.0 start exhibiting the behavior described in the first post or if Wife 1.0 refuses to perform or withholds its primary function running Smackdown 1.2 will restore the memory to its proper condition. Some computer operators suggest use of Smackdown on a regular and frequent basis, however, I suggest its use only when Wife 1.0 refuses to perform its primary function. To much use of Smackdown 1.2 will result in the OE problem previously referenced by davey7549.

· Registered
919 Posts
Mistress 1.0 download and subsequent upgrade was initiated without OE errors by the expedient of having a pre-installed version of a GUI, or General Usurpation Instruction, which allows Wife 1.0 to be overwritten simply by a RE-Boot (right 'eavy boot), thus eliminating pecuniary file outflow problems.

The absence of any associated applets is, of course, an essential pre-condition for such a clean upgrade and this can be checked by using SCAN-BRAT at an early stage.

For successful upgrades of this nature I found Legal Compromise 4.0 particularly useful. This enabled me to establish a complex WORM command (normal Write Once - Read Many instruction) that Mistress 1.0 utilises by default. This command is held by the operator on a CD-RW basis, that is Can't Divorce - Rights Waived.

This prevents any future conflicts in all programs but has to be monitored regularly with downloads available through the NET (National Entrapment Trust) at

· Registered
1,951 Posts
As a last resort, you can always run
FakeSuicide I'm OuttaHere 3.1.....

· Registered
11,958 Posts
The only trouble with running FakeSuicide I'm OuttaHere 3.1 is the bug they forgot to fix which automatically launches
PrivateDetective 1.3 and creates a log file of all previous activity and future errors. This log file is then transmitted via Spyware KGB 3.2 and sent to Legal Compromise 4.0.

· Registered
1,951 Posts
Originally posted by davey7549
The only trouble with running FakeSuicide I'm OuttaHere 3.1 is the bug they forgot to fix which automatically launches
PrivateDetective 1.3 and creates a log file of all previous activity and future errors. This log file is then transmitted via Spyware KGB 3.2 and sent to Legal Compromise 4.0.
Forgot to mention, in addition to running
FakeSuicide I'm OuttaHere 3.1, you should
also install "Relocate To Foreign Country 5.0"
(preferably the "Friendly Country" version)...

· Registered
919 Posts
Wife 2.0 has just put up a "No function without further input" query.

Looks like I'll have to do a complete program check and that could take all night.

I'll try running KY 6.9 as a first option. Never know, it might give full access to all programs without the need for a Defrag.

Defrag? Did I tell you about Defrag?

No? Oh dear, that was the main problem with Wife 1.0.

Ah well, never mind. Gotta fix Wife 2.0 first.

· Registered
11,958 Posts
Hmmm......Never thought about Viagra 1.0.
Might be the fix for all the poorly configured programs mentioned.
I am sure viagra 1.0 would cause the run time error exhaustion 2.4 but at that point a reinstall is appropriate.

· Registered
3,494 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
While doing some 'hands on' research on Girlfriend 7.0 I learned of a software install at this software insures against further program replication within Girlfriend 7.0 and isolates potential virus concerns to Girlfriend 7.0 while assuring no further stack dumps from Wife 1.0.

The software does require an entire download replacement after performing a deep scan, however additional copies are easily downloaded and stored for future use in MS Wallet.

Another program that has been used with some degree of success is available at however it has been found to be non-compatible with some Wife OSs. This should be used as a last measure of defense.

· Retired Administrator
104,767 Posts
Ok, I just wanted you to know that I've been working on these problems nearly non-stop for the past couple of weeks.

And it wasn't easy, but I've found a solution to all installations and/or upgrade versions of Girlfriend, Wife and even Mistress. I have been running seamlessly for over a week now by simply installing Stud 1.0 on top of all versions of the above mentioned programs.

Stud 1.0 has yet to crash, no out of resource errors, and best of all, no illegal operations. It's pretty much maintenance free. You can turn it off anytime you wish or simply run it 'behind the scenes.'

So far, Girlfriend (all versions), Wife (all versions) and amazingly enough, even Mistress (all versions) are happy with Stud 1.0 installed ontop.

Of course, now the bad news, it's only available in Europe....ya, they get all the best stuff first, and it's illegal for sale overseas.

And last I heard Bill Gates was trying to buy the company. Apparently he has a high maintenance wife.

I'll keep you all posted :D

· Registered
62,561 Posts
Those are all great.
Here's another one on...

"Love 4.0 From Heart Systems Software"

Customer Service Rep: Hello you have reached the Heart Systems
Software Company help desk. How may I help you?

Customer: I just received your latest program LOVE
know...the freeware. I don't understand it. Can tell me how to
install it?

CS Rep: Sure thing ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and
instructions with you?

Customer: Yes I do but first can you tell me what the program

CS Rep: Sure thing ma'am. LOVE is a unique program there is no
other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating
system and runs silently in the background you will never see
LOVE on your monitor or your toolbar but you will notice it
affect on every application you may have. It makes the good
programs run smoother and greatly restricts and/or deletes the
bad ones.

Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine
run smoother?

CS Rep: Well good sound files like COMPLIMENT.WAV
ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently. Also
FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time there is an external
violation including the ever-popular syntax errors. Also all
those aggravating errors that say "unable to connect" will be
avoided. LOVE allows for a smooth connection with external
devices regardless of what country it is manufactured in the
brand name or the age of the model.

Customer: That's exactly what I need my machine has been
isolated for too long. But what about the bad programs?

CS Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs
programs can't be entirely deleted off your hard drive but LOVE
overpowers those programs. LOVE stops their commands from being
executed and runs its own instructions. You will no longer hear
INSULT.WAV and you wont be able to write with the fonts

Customer: That's a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades
free too?

CS Rep: They sure are ma'am.

Customer: How do I get the upgrades?

CS Rep: That's easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running
it automatically copies a module or a piece of itself to every
external Hard drive Email And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it
comes in contact with. In turn those external devices run
whatever version of LOVE they have and return a module to your
HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every module that you
receive. But you have to remember to receive the upgrades you
have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with
other computers while it is running.

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical but I think I
am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located
your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have but there are several programs running
right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE
GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE
from your current operating system. It may remain in your
permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs.
LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its
own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However you have to completely turn
off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE
from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke
FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until
GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself
automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it
will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I

CS Rep: What does the message say?

COMPONENTS." What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am that's a common problem. It means
that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has
not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated
programming things but In nontechnical terms it means you have to
LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy
REALIZEWORTH.TXT and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite
any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming
programming. Also you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all
directories and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make
sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat
files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows
themselves all over my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able
to handle it from here One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various
modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with
other people and they will return some really neat modules back
to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
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