Tech Support Guy banner
  • Please post in our Community Feedback thread for help with the new forum software! If you are having trouble logging in, please Contact Us for assistance.
1 - 20 of 408 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,552 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just got back from my folks house and boy are my ears tired!

I figure it's time to seriously consider homosexuality. The folks are a fairly intelligent, caring couple, but they still can't seem to get along. If their relationship is doomed, everyone's relationship is doomed.

Answers?

Feedback?

Anyone know a couple who has actually stayed together for some period of time and remained happy? If so, how'd they do it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,286 Posts
BanditFlyer said:
Anyone know a couple who has actually stayed together for some period of time and remained happy? If so, how'd they do it?
i dunno if anybody can really judge that from the outside...i know couples that seem to have made some kinda peace and get along fine....but i don't sense any real depth in their relationship.....

others that have been together for a long time, but never seem to really get along....yet you can feel the love and mutual respect.

i've pretty much learned to make my judgements of any couple's happiness by what i see in their eyes and hear in their laughter.....those are things that that, to me, are difficult to hide behind.

nice to see back in the fray, bandit :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,520 Posts
BanditFlyer said:
I just got back from my folks house and boy are my ears tired!

I figure it's time to seriously consider homosexuality. The folks are a fairly intelligent, caring couple, but they still can't seem to get along. If their relationship is doomed, everyone's relationship is doomed.

Answers?

Feedback?

Anyone know a couple who has actually stayed together for some period of time and remained happy? If so, how'd they do it?
Been in a fantastic relationship for 24 years... my secret... total respect for the other person... you gotta feel as if your partner was the seventh wonder of the world... works for me... maybe it's because I do have the seventh wonder of the world with me...

At any rate... just don't give up... we learn from our mistakes... just so long as we don't repeat them...

The very best of luck to you my dear friend... :up:

.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
79,313 Posts
respect garners respect. My wife is my best friend. We both know that when the chips are in the crapper, so to speak, we ALWAYS have each other.

Hence the term 'soulmate'.

What's gives, BF? Speak to me. Breathe.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,520 Posts
Bandit... I just reread your original post... now I seem to understand that it is not you but your parents who are in difficulties... Man... that is rough... I never had to go through anything like that...

But, I don't know that there is much that you can do... except, love them both and hope for the best... beating yourself up will not solve anything or help anyone...

.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,952 Posts
My parents... 19 years of marriage this spring I think, and they dated for several before that. They get along, have fun, and after all these years are still pretty romantic.

But then, I have no clue how they do it. They just seem to work together. Mom isn't Mom without Dad, Dad isn't Dad without Mom. However they do it, I'm more thankful than anything that they do. Because you're right, so many relationships just don't seem to work well, and many times not at all.

Hard to judge from the outside though. And I'm no relationship expert, I'm still trying to figure out the stuff I'm supposed to be doing in life now. :D :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,023 Posts
I've been through it twice in my life, once as a young kid, once as a teen.....it's hard to listen to, as you love both the people involved, and don't want to hear either of them that way.
However, I'm not sure you can do anything but talk with them. It's harsh, but if 2 people are 'happy' living like that, then there is little that will change it....unless they don't 'realize' they are doing it. If they don't realize it, and the damage it is doing to those around them, then maybe it's time someone told them....but I don;t know enough to offer any more...none of us do. (Sorry, my wife is a psychologist...that stuff rubs off....lol)

Don't knock yourself about it sir...there may be nothign you can do but offer them both all the support you can....it may be that they will need to work it out for themselves...whatever way it goes. Just hope for the best.

I am so glad, after a few failed relationships, to have found the love of my life. We celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on 30th December.....we never argue...it never gets that far....we discuss things before the kettle blows...I just wish everyone in a relationship could do that.

Good luck.

Scorp.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32,642 Posts
I met my hubby when i was 15 and i knew he was the only man for me.. we were engaged at 16 and married at 17 and had our first son when i was 18... 4 more sons followed as well as various pets cats and dogs.. In 27 years of marriage i have never looked at any other man as i dont need to...

We have arguments but usually about silly little things and i did throw a sewing basket at him once.. and he threw it back..
The secret. i dont know really......some people are made for each other i suppose
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,649 Posts
My couple life began like honey and it went vinegar 20 years later.
I meet my former wife from time to time; the magic can't get back : we've become too alienated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,424 Posts
My folks ...... they always fought it seemed. But they still loved eachother. And my advice to you BF...... stay out of it. You can tell them to knock it off when you're around..... or you won't come around. But otherwise stay out of their business. Even though you are grown..... you're still the "kid." It's none of your business imo.

I wouldn't want my dad to poke his nose into my relationships, unless I or my children were in danger.

Just my opinion..... no disrespect intended.


As for the "how" it's done...... LMAO...... I haven't a clue....obviously :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,668 Posts
I think years of living together can take a toll on a relationship. But I bet eventhough your parents bicker or fight, they do love each other. My wife's parents hate each other. They don't just fight, they hate each other. That kind of relationship takes it's toll on everyone. Instead of teaching their children about trust, honesty, and how to communicate with each other, their parents have instilled just the opposite. Sad

With that said, I feel you have to be friends first. Then trust, honesty and good communication skills are a must for a relationship to work.

Hang in there BF :up:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,131 Posts
25 years for me & Mrs. W and never a major fight. If one seems to be boiling we walk away from each other and let it pass, then discuss the issue like the adults we are. Tough but it's the only way to make sure things are not said in anger.

Couple of tips for the beginners..................
-never resort to name calling.
-don't put the toilet roll on the wrong way if and if it is change it.
-always put the cap back on the toothpaste tube.
-clean up after yourself.

Point being, it's usually the small stuff that gets in the way.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
79,313 Posts
Wimpy369 said:
25 years for me & Mrs. W and never a major fight. If one seems to be boiling we walk away from each other and let it pass, then discuss the issue like the adults we are. Tough but it's the only way to make sure things are not said in anger.

Couple of tips for the beginners..................
-never resort to name calling.
-don't put the toilet roll on the wrong way if and if it is change it.
-always put the cap back on the toothpaste tube.
-clean up after yourself.

Point being, it's usually the small stuff that gets in the way.
ain't that the truth. Last 3 have caused some major conflicts on this end. But we learned (or rather, I learned) not to sweat the small stuff. I'm a bit anal retentive; she's a bit 'free form'; so sometimes there are bound to be clashes. But look past those to the main reason you got together in the first place, and things are generally cool.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,552 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
help4me said:
It's none of your business imo.
I respectfully disagree with that part. It's my family. That makes it my business whether I like it or not. Whether they like it or not.

As to staying out of it, that's one thing I've tried before. I get homesick. It doesn't make any sense. I shouldn't want to be anywhere near such a family, but I get homesick anyway.

Another problem - what can I learn from this? Am I doomed to have the same type of relationships? Afterall, these are the people who gave me my DNA, a pretty strong influence in the actions a person chooses to take whether knowingly or not.

I think if I can't clarify the problem and find out exactly which little piece is broken out of the minutiea of things that could be causing it, I'm probably doomed to that very same type of existence.

Edit:
Space Cowboy said:
Thanks SC. I just read that link of yours, and it looks like Gay is probably a very good alternative. All kidding aside, thanks for the effort.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
79,313 Posts
BanditFlyer said:
I respectfully disagree with that part. It's my family. That makes it my business whether I like it or not. Whether they like it or not.

As to staying out of it, that's one thing I've tried before. I get homesick. It doesn't make any sense. I shouldn't want to be anywhere near such a family, but I get homesick anyway.

Another problem - what can I learn from this? Am I doomed to have the same type of relationships? Afterall, these are the people who gave me my DNA, a pretty strong influence in the actions a person chooses to take whether knowingly or not.

I think if I can't clarify the problem and find out exactly which little piece is broken out of the minutiea of things that could be causing it, I'm probably doomed to that very same type of existence.
my parents went through what could be determined to be the most acrimonious divorce in history (short of the ones that ended in beheading). There was a pistol-whipping, lies to the stratosphere, and the judge actually told my parents that if sees EITHER of them in his court again he tossing both of them in the pokey for contempt. That's how bad it was.

23 years later, I got married, and they still hate each other, sniping at each other. Real mature people, those two. I told my baby sis that the easiest way to tell when they are lying to us is that their lips are moving.

Regardless, you can't choose your parents, so I had to make do. Once I figured out that I have to be the adult and control these two idiots, I was home free. The other thing I figured out is that if I want my son to be a better son to me than I was to my father, I need to be a better father to him than he was to me.

Namely, raise him, instead of focus on other, materialistic crap in life.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, BF, but I doubt it's going to get better. If it makes you feel any better, blowing your top at them could very easily accomplish something.

Burying it in your subconscious will not, however, accomplish anything productive. Unless you want to lose a decade or so. :)

You got my email, write if you need anything.

You are the man, my friend. Don't ever forget that. BTW, remind me to tell you of my million dollar marketing idea. Everyone gets at least 1 a year, I got mine the last week of 2k6.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,131 Posts
BanditFlyer said:
I think if I can't clarify the problem and find out exactly which little piece is broken out of the minutiea of things that could be causing it, I'm probably doomed to that very same type of existence.
It's never one little piece, it's usually many that are compounded over time. Surely you have been witness to some of the goings-on during the time you lived with them so you may already hold some clues and answers.

The only way you would ever know what is causing their breakdown now would be to ask them directly. Would they give you a straight answer so you could learn from their mistakes? You know them, I don't, but I would bet a sawbuck they wouldn't answer you and if they did you would get two different versions.

It's quite a humbling experience to admit the breakdown or defeat of a marriage..... been there done that many moons ago. That said, most of a happy marriage is due to common sense, mutual respect, trust and love ( among others ). Treat each other the way you would want to be treated and it's a recipe for success.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,286 Posts
BanditFlyer said:
I respectfully disagree with that part. It's my family. That makes it my business whether I like it or not. Whether they like it or not.

As to staying out of it, that's one thing I've tried before. I get homesick. It doesn't make any sense. I shouldn't want to be anywhere near such a family, but I get homesick anyway.
take v.'s suggestion to heart...as an adult you are a potential in the situation....your feelings for them are reciprocated, rest assured....use that to your advantage....be an adult with them -tell 'em how you feel- that as much as you miss them, being with them sucks, because blah blah blah...or whatever.

Another problem - what can I learn from this? Am I doomed to have the same type of relationships? Afterall, these are the people who gave me my DNA, a pretty strong influence in the actions a person chooses to take whether knowingly or not.

I think if I can't clarify the problem and find out exactly which little piece is broken out of the minutiea of things that could be causing it, I'm probably doomed to that very same type of existence.
methinks there is a real danger of over-analyzing this....you are not a cut and paste of either one of them....they are each unique, just like you, a product of genetics and environment, most of it invisible and unknowable to you. focus on bandit the adult -i think a lot of people continue to feel and act like kids around their parents well past it being healthy, keeping old dynamics alive and not so well.

there's no quick fix here, that's for sure...my dad refused to let me be anything but his little boy, so we never, ever got close, until he was on his death bed, and reality was like a gale, raging through his moments, clearing away everything in its path but just the two of us....

makes you a real believer in the herenow as the only thing that matters.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
27,339 Posts
we dont get to choose our parents unfortunately

mine were married for 60 years with only death breaking it up. it had its ups and downs and they made it work for themselves.

now my inlaws have a bit of a missed up family. no need to go there. they live together just because they have to financially at their age. not a whole lot of love there but not tons of animosity.

i would not begin to know how to advise you Bandit. without knowing your parents or you personally. but i do wish you the best of luck and for you to remember you are not alone in such struggles
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,132 Posts
Carl and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary on April 4th. The first years were rocky....lots of fighting and constant "I'm right, you're wrong and you're an idiot because you just cant accept that my way is the best way to do this or that...blah blah blah..."

We almost split up when I was pregnant with Jake. I had even gone looking at apartments. Couldnt stand the sight of Carl anymore. Felt like I hated him at times. Things started to turn around after my faith took ahold of me but even then, I still struggled with wanting to be the boss. I resented him for not listening to me, for not taking me seriously...for just not caring about my interests and especially my new-found faith in the Lord.

Then several years ago, it finally "clicked"...I wasnt giving him what he needed and in return he wasnt giving me what I needed and we both needed totally different things. He needed me to respect and admire him and I needed him to love me. The more I disrespected him, the more he withheld love from me and the more he did that, the more I disrespected him and well.....it got to be a vicious cycle. I just read a book recently that confirmed everything that I had figured out. Its called "Love and Respect" and it spoke to the exact issues so many people have in marriages that wind up in divorce!

I determined to show him respect no matter what. Instead of arguing with everything that I didnt agree with, I just accepted that he had the right to be himself and it was wrong for me to try to change him for my own selfish reasons. I even told him one day that I was sorry for not giving him the respect he deserved and that I promised to try and be a better wife....guess what he started doing...yep, he started being way more loving and considerate to what was important to me. And to this day, Carl still does many things that I hate but as long as I keep on just respecting him for who he is and keep my mouth shut about the things I cant change in him...he just keeps on loving me right back! I'd rather be loved than be "right" any time when it comes to Carl! Even though i'm right most of the time, doncha know....;) ...but dont tell carl I said that, ok? And for us...we are great friends this way. We still argue sometimes but when we go out, its just like when we were dating...we still laugh at each others jokes, act goofy..I still put my hand on his knee when he is driving and we are all touchy-feely when we are alone. I'm sure you cant imagine your parents ever acting like this but remember that I told you that at one time, I hated Carl and wanted to get away from him very badly! People can and do change so dont lose hope. :)

The thing is...neither person is gonna just start getting along...someone has to give in and decide that they are going to take the first steps to turn things around. If either one of them can do that then they can move mountains with their marriage, imo!

I guess Bandit...the thing is...you have to ask your parents if they ar happy to spend the rest of their lives the way it is now or if they want to try to change so they could spend their last years together happy and enjoying each other's company. How about asking them what it was that they loved about each other when they were dating? And what changed for them? Money issues? Stress of raising kids? Worries about their future and yours? Flat out ask them...do you hate each other? Is this what I have to look forward to in my marriage?

I know Bonnie suggested to stay out of it and I totally understand her reasons but I have to go with the extreme other side (which you also might disgree with) Confront them with real honest feelings and ask them to try to work things out...not for you but for them, because more than anything, you want to see your parents in love with each other again. I'm sure they love each other but have just lost their way and have let petty differences build up into giant grudges and then every little time something small comes up, the whole ball of past grudges rolls out and all of the hurt and anger resurfaces.

The worst they can do is tell you to mind your own business. But even so...you might just say enough to get each of them thinking during their private moments. Write a letter...have a beer to loosen yourself up if you wanna do it face to face but imo, confront them in love and tell them how painful it is to see them at odds with each other. You never know unless you try. Then its up to them. :)
 
1 - 20 of 408 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top