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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I recieved these from a anominous TSG member...only the best are included :)...

What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's a fish.

Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Of course, these are all in good fun !:eek: ...Rhett
 

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Lawyer Vs. The Blonde
Author: Unknown

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take
a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and
a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she
politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will
easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and
figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she
plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to
her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the
lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks
at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his
modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he
knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde
and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the
blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
to sleep.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
You realize we are about to be edited/banned and marked for life ! The only thing that will save us is volunteer Pool Boy service at Candy's place...come to think of it...things could be worse !! :D ..Rhett
 

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The Bunny And The Snake
Author: Unknown

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be an attorney."
 

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Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
Author: Unknown

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
 

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The Case Of The Missing Bull

Author: Unknown


A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
the hole is getting deeper ...

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand. :)
 

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Father Lawyer Hater

Author: Unknown

There was once a man who was as nice as could be, except he absolutely hated lawyers. Whenever he would see a lawyer on the side of a road, he would swerve his pick-up truck and run over him or her.

Then one day, he was driving down the freeway when he saw a priest next to his car, which had broken down. Being such a nice man, he pulled over and offered the preist a ride to the next gas station.

While he was driving, he saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He started to swerve over, when he realized there was a priest in his car. He thought he missed the lawyer, but he still heard a loud bang. Then he pulled over and confessed to the priest about his problem and said that's why he swerved the car.

He told the priest that he thought he missed the lawyer when the priest interrupted him and said, "That's okay, I hit him with my door!"

:p All in fun Mulder :p
 

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Mrs. Jones, Do You Know Me?

Author: Unknown

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
 

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Never Felt Better

Author: Unknown


An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out.

After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense called the local sheriff as a witness.

The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say when you approached him at the scene of the accident?"

The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt better.'"

The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the farmer, "Did you really say that?"

"I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied.

So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really say, you 'never felt better?'"

The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the dog.

Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.

Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt. So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!"
 

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OK Guys... I can't resist... We all will get banned and shamed for life together...

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
 

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here's another one:

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise,
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where
the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-
tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't
mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
 

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I'm getting in deep here:

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
 

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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the samegrave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
 

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For all of our friends in the state of washington

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
**********************************************************************

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.

8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
 

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Last one for now...

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
 

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A traffic warden, a tax collector and a lawyer were in a plane.
Traffic warden - "situations like this don't always require a funny punchline do they?"
Tax collector - "no"
So they throw the lawyer out.
 
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