[needing to know]

Hi there,

I have a very difficult problem, that I have been trying to deal with for almost a year. My partner feels awful and I do too. He has admited to searching on the internet for some 'extra fun', but nothing that would be 'in the flesh' so to speak, virtual fun in effect. I was okay with this as long as there was honesty and openness about this. This was agreed. He says I can search all over his PC 'search history' etc to see that he hasn't been up to anything else, and prefers this when I am not with him.

The problem is I don't know what half the files are and extension names etc. we are supposed to be getting married and I have three step children ( of his ) to think about too.

I don't want to waste my energy looking for the wrong things, but I do want to understand that he say's what he means and his openness about this being 'trustworthy' has obviously been put to the test now. He says' things like 'i don't know what that file name means' or I didn't set Crap Cleaner to clear that programme' or 'Privacy Suite was just a free upgrade'. We are open about the 'fun that the internet can give us together', and to be honest I think he's 'getting a good deal' being with me, as I am so open about it.

But I think he wants to have his cake and eat it, and hide the crumbs too! He looks and sounds like he's sorry and it won't happen again. I just want to have the skills and knowledge to UNDERSTAND what the hell the file names mean and what type of application had to occur to encrypt them. ie was it automatic 'as he says' or does he have to state 'delete these files' and 'encrypt here' before he runs any clean up programme for example afrer logging off for the night. ( Theses 'extra fun' things occur when i stay away from home overnight)

We have seperate and limited user accounts for the kids, so there are no worries about anyone seeing anything that might be of an adult nature.

Can anyone help me? Is it wrong of me to want to not only see what is there, but also to understand it in order to establish trust again? He knows I know very little about this sort of thing.

I want to save our relationship and TRUST him too. If he states he is sorry and is agreeable for me to look at his PC search thingy, then I want to be able to understand what I see. Not look at a bunch of encrypted files and constantly wonder is that where a chat was logged with 'miss new and wonderful' that he's kept hidden from me.

I'm so sorry if this is an imposition. I am besides myself trying to keep things all together as well.

many thanks

needing to know

As I write this I feel almost like I have already seen my own answer.

P.s. I Love him and the children dearly

 

[needing to know]

'' I'm so sorry if this is an imposition. I am besides myself trying to keep things all together as well. ''

Sorry people if this is wrong here. i do have a thick skin so please be honest with me if you can.

many thanks

needing to know x

 

[1002richards]

Hi,
Just some random thoughts:
- there are loads of free progs that can scrub your search history.
- delete is a command, generally it requires user input to happen
- encrypt is a command, generally it requires use input to happen.

Have you two had a chance to talk through your worries with a qualified professional?
Have you talked this through with a trusted friend or family member?

See what others have to add here ....

1002richards

 

[needing to know]

Bless you for your quick reply, 1002richards.

your two answers have helped so far and yes we are trying to talk.

I am a qualified professional belive it or not. i'm a counsellor, and he is a little 'no don't want to with counsellors right now, family, would tell me we're both mad, for having such a relationship to start with. Friends? well, his don't know that we have this sort of openness between us, he's seen as a very 'proper' man. They see me as a very attractive woman and that he has a catch, and the sort of guys that say what 'more could a man want' . ( i think this from time to time too, but allow this expression of sexual interest. My friends? well I think they'd be a little 'what are you playing at girl' So I feel like I'm a bit on my own. as I love him deeply and want it to work. I also don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater either. I feel he loves me in many other ways and want to give it the best shot I can ..


thank you for your answer. We will keep talking, I'm sure. I just want to keep trusting as well and give him every chance I can.

x needing to know

 

[katonca]

But I think he wants to have his cake and eat it, and hide the crumbs too! He looks and sounds like he's sorry and it won't happen again.

I want to save our relationship and TRUST him too. If he states he is sorry and is agreeable for me to look at his PC search thingy, then I want to be able to understand what I see. Not look at a bunch of encrypted files and constantly wonder is that where a chat was logged with 'miss new and wonderful' that he's kept hidden from me.

P.s. I Love him and the children dearly

Needing to know,

Three words come to mind after reading your post: trust, trust, and trust

If you are having to search the comp for deleted/encrypted files then the trust you have in him has been lessoned . If I had this doubt, I'd ask my partner to curtail the internet searches and remove the encryption programs (but that's me).

As you state: "P.s. I Love him and the children dearly". I hope he can see your pov. :up:

 

[dotty999]

Hi there,

I have a very difficult problem, that I have been trying to deal with for almost a year. My partner feels awful and I do too. He has admited to searching on the internet for some 'extra fun', but nothing that would be 'in the flesh' so to speak, virtual fun in effect. I was okay with this as long as there was honesty and openness about this. This was agreed. He says I can search all over his PC 'search history' etc to see that he hasn't been up to anything else, and prefers this when I am not with him.

The problem is I don't know what half the files are and extension names etc. we are supposed to be getting married and I have three step children ( of his ) to think about too.

I don't want to waste my energy looking for the wrong things, but I do want to understand that he say's what he means and his openness about this being 'trustworthy' has obviously been put to the test now. He says' things like 'i don't know what that file name means' or I didn't set Crap Cleaner to clear that programme' or 'Privacy Suite was just a free upgrade'. We are open about the 'fun that the internet can give us together', and to be honest I think he's 'getting a good deal' being with me, as I am so open about it.

But I think he wants to have his cake and eat it, and hide the crumbs too! He looks and sounds like he's sorry and it won't happen again. I just want to have the skills and knowledge to UNDERSTAND what the hell the file names mean and what type of application had to occur to encrypt them. ie was it automatic 'as he says' or does he have to state 'delete these files' and 'encrypt here' before he runs any clean up programme for example afrer logging off for the night. ( Theses 'extra fun' things occur when i stay away from home overnight)

We have seperate and limited user accounts for the kids, so there are no worries about anyone seeing anything that might be of an adult nature.

Can anyone help me? Is it wrong of me to want to not only see what is there, but also to understand it in order to establish trust again? He knows I know very little about this sort of thing.

I want to save our relationship and TRUST him too. If he states he is sorry and is agreeable for me to look at his PC search thingy, then I want to be able to understand what I see. Not look at a bunch of encrypted files and constantly wonder is that where a chat was logged with 'miss new and wonderful' that he's kept hidden from me.

I'm so sorry if this is an imposition. I am besides myself trying to keep things all together as well.

many thanks

needing to know

As I write this I feel almost like I have already seen my own answer.

P.s. I Love him and the children dearly

I think it can become a dangerous game looking for "cyber fun" if you are already in a happy relationship and I would wonder why he feels the need to go down that road if he is totally happy with you.. of course it would be very easy for him to show you the information you seek and as he is not making it so readily available then you will always have your doubts and it will be your decision whether to turn a blind eye to his activities or accept that it will probably continue and may go further in time... only you can decide and my only advice for what it's worth is don't let your heart rule your head though I'm sure you already know that already

 

[imperfeckd]

my opinion.....give him this and go start a new life....youre worth more then he is giving you...i could tell you a story about my first husband but you already know it...dont waste any more of your precious time...lifes tooo short..and by you coming here and asking these questions it seems to me that you already know the answers...

good luck in what ever you decide... :up:

 

[Byteman]

Hi needing to know

As much as your post is obviously a sincere effort to find the truth about your relationship, Tech Support Guy has some rules, and you have asked about a couple of things that are not allowed-

A. Possibly breaking encrypted information on a computer.
B. Keylogging or similar monitoring.

I am going to Close this thread for now, but you may ask for a
Review by either one of our Administrators, the owner himself, or the Community Moderators. I have already asked for their decision.